Today is the day!

Limiting beliefs

Limiting beliefs are those which constrain us in some way. Just by believing them, we do not think, do or say the things that they inhibit. And in doing so we impoverish our lives. …Limiting beliefs are often about our selves and our self-identity.

Writing is therapeutic, which is why I have been writing so earnestly these last 2 months. I am trying to keep busy. I’m trying to keep my mind on other things and distracted from the reality that is my love life. I have really tried hard to handle the break up responsibly. I haven’t been drinking and I don’t go to places that are seedy. Instead I have been going to church, and to talk therapy once a week, and to brunch and friends and restaurants for meals. I walk, I write, I cry, I clean, I have been making new friends and I have been eating a minimum of 2 meals a day. I really am trying to be mature and an adult. I only got 1 tattoo and 1 dog, compared to the history books, that says a lot! I deleted him and his friends from my social media, because I don’t want gossip to spread or to see his amazing life without me. I stopped communicating with his mom, because I didn’t want anymore hope. I tried to do the right thing (sometimes failing miserably at it in the process).For the most part I have managed to get through my days relatively quietly and without incident. I have managed to get into a sort of routine that helps me cope and go into survivor mode when it all gets too much again. My mom has been supportive. My friends and other family haven’t said much at all, if anything. I suppose no one really knows what to say or do for me. limiting-beliefs-viscious-cycleI am extremely good at not letting people in. I am very private and hide my emotions and feelings very well. I know that I have some limiting beliefs around love and relationships and I am working very hard on addressing that and changing it. I even did a webinar last night on this very subject and I did the exercise that they explained. I am going to do that exercise every day for a while I think. self-limiting-beliefs-picFor me, when I am dealing with a difficult situation in my life, I like to go on a self discovery journey and get help and try to sort out the issues within myself so that I can grow and learn and become better at it. Growth for me is of paramount importance. It is a value of mine. Meaning is another. I crave meaning and I search for it always. It is difficult for me to have anything in my life unless it has meaning. It is another reason why I live such a simple life. I don’t want a lot of things around me or material possessions. I want the deeper stuff. The relationships, the conversations, the connectedness. That gives my life meaning. It gives my life value. Among other things of course!limiting-beliefs-linkedinI think that is why break ups are so hard for me. I know I can find the meaning in why that relationship was in my life at that time, but I struggle with the possibility that the relationship had little to no meaning for the other person. I am not talking about flings or casual dating here, I am talking about the serious relationships. People think that it goes without saying that the relationship had meaning otherwise you would not be together, but the fact is that I don’t know or believe that for sure. That is one of my internal struggles. I wrestle with this each time. My limiting belief around love is that “they probably won’t want me” and “how is this one going to end?” which is something that I believe at a sub-conscious level. When things don’t work out then my sub-conscious uses that as proof and deepens the belief. So working on this has been a bit of an eye opener. Something that I have a hard time getting my head wrapped around. You see, I still struggle with the woo-woo!545ff9959b3c23a55b3a7a16ec4e6844Limiting beliefs are crippling and we all have them. I have limiting beliefs around money, around a lot of things really. But the principle of dealing with them seems to be the same. You first need to figure out what you believe sub-consciously – which means you have to listen to your body when it feels odd about something. You have to ask youself why you feel uncomfortable with what you see and hear. Why is the compliment so hard to accept? Why do I feel like that man is crazy if he says he loves money? There is always a clue in those things. And when you discover your inner limiting belief, then you can start to see where it came from, and how it was reinforced. You can write it down and then write new beliefs around that, better beliefs, TRUTHS, so that when this pops up again, you can say NOPE, I believe this truth instead. Your sub-conscious will do anything to prove you right so it will start looking for the proof to substantiate your statements. You may believe that rich people are snobs because a rich uncle snubbed you as a child, but you can rewrite that to say that people who are entitled are difficult to deal with but I am giving and caring. Money allows me to give and care more. Even poor people can be entitled, believe me!! It doesn’t really matter what your limiting belief is or how silly it may sound, a belief is a belief and if it is hindering your growth and progress and it is up to you to reframe that event in your life, remodel your beliefs. So for me I have reframed my event and truth to be, my soul mate wants to be with only me and forever, I am a catch, I bring all of me to the table, and I enjoy the relationship for what it is.

Love Chez.


My vision

img_7172My vision board is taking shape. I may want to spice it up a little before I hand in the finished product on the weekend. I’m thinking that I may want to add pieces of string leading from each room to the corresponding picture, just in case it isn’t clear enough. But I am quite happy with what I have produced so far. I may throw in a border or some writing somewhere. But this is what I have for now and I feel good about it. Everything stems from the home, the source of love and joy in my life. A safe and creative place. It is the center of everything.

I had a lot of pictures saved in a folder called “Big Why” on Pinterest. So I could simply go to the folder and copy the images I had there (only a small portion of the images mind you) and print them. I chose the turquoise board because I just love this colour and, next to green, it is my favorite. I think I may actually have it laminated still and probably put it up on my wall in the new place. I think I really need to focus on it and see it everyday to keep me aligned.

I thought about adding some travel pictures but then I decided against it. Yes I really want to travel, but that isn’t the most important thing to me. Only the most important things are on this board. The nonnegotiables really.

So I have put a collage together for you so that you can see what I am all about, these slides are in no particular order of importance either. Might as well put it out there for you all to see anyway 🙂

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Love Chez

Help me Molly

dog-name-lol-meme-600x340I am starting to feel extremely overwhelmed about having a puppy. For some reason, almost overnight, Myles turned into a horror dog. He doesn’t sleep much during the day now and he literally destroys anything and everything. He is like a hurricane working his way across my floor. So in a desperate attempt to find a way to bring some normality back to my world, I looked up solutions on the internet. I started off with “what does a dog whisperer do” and ended up on a web page that told me that I needed to establish myself as the pack leader. This means that the puppy should follow me (in theory) and not the other way around. Also, I needed to explore some discipline options. Yelling isn’t an option for me and it clearly doesn’t work for him. Spraying water on his nose doesn’t work because he thinks I am his personal spritzer lady. Using a rolled up newspaper is not having any effect. Apparently I need to ignore his bad behavior and take him to where I want him to be when he is behaving badly, in a calm manner. Seriously, I am not smoking weed to train my puppy first.

Sure Ceasar Millan, sure…

So to establish myself as the pack leader I am trying a few things.

  • I am walking him on a leash before supper to give him time to exercise and enhance the calmness. I could use the walk too.
  • I walk in and out of a door first (well I try to and I try to let him not trip me…)
  • I am eating first before he eats.
  • I am making him calm down before I let him eat, he can see his meal but unless he sits and waits and shows some sort of “mature” behavior… well let’s just say dinner time has gone from 3 minutes to about 30!
  • I have puppy proofed my home, work is a bit more difficult.
  • When he chews me I pick him up and put him outside with a chew toy and close the door. His chew toys are stuffed with peanut butter.
  • If he misbehaves on the couch (read chew) then he goes outside until he is “calm”.
  • Oh and I hold his snout with my hands so he can’t bite, and he (fake) cries and I try not to (literal) cry
  • He still prefers to sleep outside, so no problems there.
  • I also turn my back on him when he wants to jump up on me.

Day 1 was a disaster with a capital D! Today is day 2 and I only have two new holes in my pyjama pants to celebrate. I think this may take a while!images (1)As we move into this new routine we both just look at each other with our thought bubbles above our heads. Mine reads “Dear Dog, please just be normal…MOLLY HELP!!!” and his reads “I’ll wear you down and you will see who is king of this castle, I have nothing but teeth and time on my paws”

And so the tug of war over dominance has begun and I feel somewhat defeated already. I keep reading this guys’ website in the hope that it will keep me motivated. Failing that, poor puppy behavior should keep me motivated. I will win. Damn it, I will win! Help me Molly!!!!

Love Chez

Step two.

67f46e3642565af9caac52c5c9feccdeToday I want to tell you about something that someone told me over the weekend. He said that a dream without action is merely a dream. You see, we were having a brief conversation about this dream that I have had for my life for the last 20 years. Literally. And it is true, there has been zero conscious action towards this dream in 20 years. That was until a few weeks ago. He said to me that I don’t want to be on my death-bed saying that “I had a dream…” Martin Luther said “I HAVE a dream”, Chez said “I HAD a dream”. Hmmm, big difference. Now I am by no means implying that I would like to lead a revolution, unless said revolution is about the use of plastic in our country and how it drives me insane when I walk on the beach and find plastic everywhere! That and people swimming in their clothes (or naked) and drunk…that drives me insane too. a5fd5365fe5362f6b0730c787d54b8a7-vision-board-ideas-goal-settings-life-vision-board-diy-ideas1It seems to tie in with this theme of creating my destiny that I have been thinking about lately. Wouldn’t it be good if I could paint it in reality and not just in my imagination? That would be the second step for me, creating an actual visual of my Big Why. Which is exactly what I am about to do. (First step was to write it out in my own handwriting) Unfortunately I don’t have any magazines to cut pictures out of but I can print the things that tickle my fancy and my Big Why folder on Pinterest has a lot of beautiful pictures that I can use. I am quite excited about this project because it will remind me of each key thing that I would like to achieve and perhaps bring a bit of clarity around how I hope to achieve that. Movement. We need to keep moving forward. Without movement, there is zero hope of ever achieving any dream. 1_3LcdhudibScW-dcLYOnEnAPart of the next steps (immediate goal) to achieving my dream was to find cheaper accommodation, it was on my list after FFU Live. Within 3 days of writing it down on my to-do list, it happened. Accommodation quite literally found me, I didn’t even have to look! My current place is beautiful but the neighbours kids scream blue bloody murder and the guy who stays above me walks like a baby elephant on those metal stairs. After being there for only 4 months, I cracked. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to find somewhere else to rent. I put it out there. And if I am going to move then why not ask for a cheaper place nearer to work so I can walk if I want to. I got everything I asked for and with the money that I will be saving, I can finally put something towards my FUN pot. I need to have more fun! I think that is how turning dreams into a reality works. You envision it, you write it down, you create your vision board for your Big Why to keep you focussed when creating your mini goals (or medium term goals), you create a list of baby steps (or short term goals) to get you closer. You reach the goal. You move on to the next step and so, eventually you reach your ultimate goal.imagesFor me, saving enough on expenses so that I have extra money to invest whilst living my amazing life right now is exactly what I envision as a short term goal. It is another stepping stone to realising financial freedom which in turn will enable the rest of my vision for my life to fall into place. In order for me to live that life fully though, I need to start equipping myself now with the tools and knowledge that I will need for when I get there. Hence me signing up with UNISA to start my basic counseling course. Yes you read it…I finally committed to it and signed up. I am a student again at the age of 41! I am busy putting the foundations in place so that I can live the life of my chosing. The other buidling blocks that I will require will be established after creating my vision board. Which is why it is so important to do and an essential second step. How else can I create medium and short term goals?sucessful_people_quoteI am super excited about this journey and I will let you know how it goes. I guess you are never too old to start. Some people know at the age of 6 what they want to be and do with their lives. The rest of us are figuring it out as we go along.

Love Chez



The op

A week ago today my dad has his zero functioning kidney removed. What started out as being a laparoscopic surgery ended up being a much larger cut because of the scar tissue from the chemo and radiation all those years back. Fortunately they could remove all of that at the same time as the kidney.dronkverdrietI am not sure what we were expecting but the build up to the surgery seemed to affect all of us in different ways. There was for example random crying during happy moments, there was some stress eating, stress insomnia and a variety of other very odd behaviour. Lists were made, olive branches were extended and champagne was literally given away in an attempt to not get “dronkverdriet”. (That was just me by the way, not sure how the rest of the family coped). But the actual surgery went off without a hitch and the patient is doing so very well.

imagesApart from the obvious pain, he is actually sounding quite chipper. My mom is doing the big work of taking care of him, ensuring Sasha gets fed twice a day (not in adherence to the extremely strict schedule that my dad had set out but twice a day nonetheless – I say…be grateful that she is getting fed at all). Mom has to pick up the dog’s droppings (again according to a strict protocol as set out by the patient, which is totally ignored…and rightly so, priorities people). Mom is fixing meals and cleaning and listening and making tea. A good nurse indeed.donkeyThe idea of my dad having a better quality of life, being able to stand upright again, not have infections, pain and just plain struggle, well that idea-carrot dangling in front of us, keeps us going and motivates us to see the bigger picture when it all feels like a little too much. Now I’m not saying that we are donkey’s (read asses) following the dream carrot…I’m saying that this hope gives us the courage to move forward! I think medicine has really come a long way and it is great when it can give us more time with our loved ones. downloadAcross the room in ICU another family is saying goodbye to a loved one, and nothing medicine can do will be able to bring her back to her full faculties or give her any quality of life. I’m glad we were on this side of the room. We have another day, another chance. And I suspect that this donkey still has a lot more ass to kick…!

Love Chez

Acknowledge yourself!

JoyI have come to realize that celebrating the little victories in life are just as important as celebrating the big ones. We need to be our biggest cheerleaders because, yes you guessed it, no one else really gives a fig. Imagine you could end your day off with acknowledging the ways that you were good to yourself, in an honoring way, during the day? Well you can because it’s free and I’m giving you permission to give yourself permission to do so! No it is not conceited or vain. It is in fact the best way to counterbalance that self sabotaging and negative pattern that we develop over time.

winsSo today I want to acknowledge myself for being in a good mood and dancing like a mad thing in my lounge room to my Joy music. It was the closest to exercise that I had all day and I am proud of myself for throwing caution to the wind and not caring if I looked like a disjointed weirdo! I don’t care! It was fun and my cheeks were flushed and Myles did his best to dance along by ripping up the bathroom mat. Go Myles!

I acknowledge myself for doing my affirmations and showing gratitude with zeal and enthusiasm after almost a month of doing it disbelievingly. It felt real and I can start seeing the truths in the statements now because quite frankly my dear, I don’t have crazy affirmations. I just tell myself the truth!

biteI acknowledge myself for telling Myles that if he continued to bite me then I would bite him back. I did. It felt furry and weird but he only gave a small yelp, sulked off to the bathroom and slept for an hour and gave my skin a well deserving break. I put a boundary in place and I defended it. Shot dot. (disclosure, I didn’t draw any blood like he did and when I say “bite” what I really mean is press my teeth down gently on him….) (no animal was hurt or experimented on during this exercise – he just felt my displeasure!)

Acknowledge yourself. Instead of berating yourself for being late for work or driving like a jerk, focus on the good you have done for a change. If you want to change that bad and selfish behavior, then start by changing the way you do things, change your view. Start being grateful for the wins and affirming that because of your mistakes and weaknesses no one else is a better expert than you because of your experience, you can do it right. Start by loving yourself and being good to you. Start by defending your healthy boundaries and then your behavior will start to change in all areas of your life without you having to strive… #justathought

Love Chez

In-depth discussions should lead to action!

Dear Winston Churchill, shut up…

I have no idea how this piece will end but I feel too inspired not to write. So bear with me. I had dinner on Monday night with someone who I haven’t seen in about 20 years (neither of us could quite remember so let’s just round it off to 2 decades). I remember him from school, being this happy-go-lucky kid with so many friends. Surfer boy with a great tan. Today, he still has a great tan, plenty of friends and still so happy-go-lucky. Bald, but happy-go-lucky (can’t have it all I suppose). Lol. I asked him why he is always so happy because I know that life hasn’t always been kind. What followed was the most incredible in-depth discussion that I have had with a fellow human being in ages. 41ZiK1qrsdL._SL500_AC_SS350_What I discovered was that there was another soul, who happened to be sitting right in front of me, that had stumbled his way across some of the things that I have been discovering for myself lately. He had language for the concepts that I didn’t have so I am going to borrow them for this blog. He realised that if you want results in your life, then you need to align yourself in such a way as to achieve those results and he was practicing it daily. He had realised that what we speak with our mouths, our subconscious aligns itself too and soon the reality is created. This was something that was discussed at FFU live as well. So instead of speaking negativity or death over himself and his life, he consciously chooses to speak life, truth and hope. He chooses to let go of the past, the hurts and the pain after learning it’s lessons. He chooses to believe in his dreams and chooses which animal to feed in daily life when faced with tough choices or when in difficult spots. (Sometimes you have to choose this 100 times a day!!) He refers to a concept of creating his destiny. He alone is responsible for creating it. By is thoughts, his beliefs, his actions, his drive and desire!
quotes-that-will-inspire-you-to-create-your-own-destinySo that night, I followed his advice and when I went to bed, I decided to start “creating my destiny”. I like to think of it as a blank canvas art project that I am painting, just to make it easier on my mind (because my mind requires pictures). I thought about this phrase, creating my destiny, over and over. I repeated to myself out loud that I have the ability to, and will create my destiny. After a short while my mind was able to shift a little and I could start painting my Big Why. The big dream for my life. This Big Why is something that I have written down several times but have had, up until this point, great difficulty in feeling it and seeing it truly happen, its a dream I believe God put in my heart from the very begining. So during this exercise, I started to picture my Big Why again but this time I added smells and sounds to it. I spoke it out loud. I closed my eyes and I tried to feel it (FYI I couldn’t feel it but I haven’t stopped trying okay….haha). I let go (repeatedly) of some limiting beliefs that popped up and changed my language about them and I verbally let go of circumstances holding me back. I released them, forgave people who I felt had wronged me and I forgave myself. Unforgiveness doesn’t fit into my Big Why you see. Any negative feeling or emotion that came up, I acknowledged and released with forgiveness. The way to get to my Big Why, is through practicing gratitude. I have come to realise that. My canvas was filling up with the most beautiful picture.images (1).jpgAs I drifted in and out of sleep I dreamed about my Big Why. When I woke up during the night, my thoughts were filled with my Big Why. When I woke up in the morning, my heart was singing because I was still thinking about my Big Why. I realised that what my friend had shown me, was something that was very powerful. I slept peacefully, I woke up happy, I felt refreshed and ready for the new day. I was focused. This played out in an interesting way on Tuesday. A few more things on my To-Do-List post FFU Live got ticked off without me having to strive for it. This means that I moved a few steps closer to my Big Why in reality in a completely organic way! It didn’t mean that I didn’t experience any low points in my mood during the day, but it did mean that I could align myself quickly when I felt the low mood coming. I could focus my mind on something bigger than my present state. I could challenge the negative thoughts and my disbelieving heart. Because let’s be honest, you don’t change years of self doubt overnight! Energy flows where focus goes.downloadTuesday was a good day for me and I went to bed with the idea of creating my own destiny still percolating in my brain and I repeated the exercise from the night before. I may have to do this for the next 60 days so that it sticks I think! I slept incredibly well again and today, I feel refreshed and content. The list next to me is getting shorter and my inspiration has increased. When I practice gratitude in the mornings for the things in my life, it feels real. It’s like the words have really sunk in over the last 4 weeks since I started that particular journey and have somehow managed to connect with my soul. I am no longer just saying stuff with my mouth but I am actually truly grateful. Even the affirmations are feeling less like words and more like truths if that makes any sense. I don’t even need to follow my script anymore! For someone who is completely practical and analytical, this is a very important turning point for me.downloadIt is as though, since I made the decision in December to live my life honestly, that things are painfully aligning and that the right people are coming in and out at the right time to teach me the next lesson and I am learning them. Willingly. Sometimes even happily. Today I feel the best I have felt in ages. I just know that my dream, however impossible the world may think, is a complete reality for me. Which means, that living my Big Why is literally around the corner. I can see it, feel it, taste it, smell it! I am grateful and confident and I am more than enough just as I am. I am setting myself up to live that truth now. I am making little decisions that support the big dream every day. So that when it happens, I am ready because I have a plan. thought_bubble-Random-Thoughts2Oh and on a completely random note (I like random) I read this little piece that just gave me goose bumps…perhaps you will have the same:

“We need relationsips with others to see ourselves more clearly. Every relationship we have reflects back to us what we are putting out into the world. Know that a relationship isn’t a failure just because it ended. If you grew as a person and learned something to move your life forward, then it served a purpose and was truly a success”. Dr J Vilhauer from Think Forward to Thrive

Love Chez

A brush with hygene

I really didn’t think I smelt THAT bad…?

Myles had his first bath last night and he wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. I would have taken pictures of the actual procedure but he really did need me to hold him and wash him without the aid of technology. I bought this dry shampoo from the pet store (because there is hardly any water in Cape Town so we need to be water wise) and we proceeded to do the unnatural.

Someone help me escape please!

He stood in the bath with the widest eyes I have ever seen and only tried to scramble out of there when I turned around to get a towel. He didn’t mind the shampoo or the smell and he seemed to actually enjoy the massage. He didn’t really like the toweling down part or being in that bath alone. But even when I “blow dried his fur” he didn’t seem to mind much (don’t worry I had the setting on cold!). He licked his bottom in joy!

Then he went outside, had a massive poo and walked it back into the house. As one does.

How on earth will I ever get my street cred back now…?

He now smells like a cuddly soft toy, with a hint of poo, and his fur is shiny and clean. Even his paws didn’t smell to bad for the first 10 minutes post bath. Nothing was damaged apart from my dress and in celebration of this accomplishment, Myles agreed to sleep on the bed until 1 am this morning. After that, he was back to working on his street cred outside with the big boys.

Love Chez

The results

downloadFor a couple of weeks now I have made a little list of everyone that I would love to connect with in some way. Each day I took two names and called or emailed or managed to track down that person for a chat. Making friends, maintaining friendships and meeting new people is something that I have been working on very hard lately and I thought that this would be a great way to build up my confidence and encourage me in everyday life in this new town that I find myself in.

The effort has paid off and I have made some amazing friends in this short space of time. I have also managed to form a support group that has helped me transition into a life of acceptance. Being mindful of others and their struggles has also helped me realise that often, my problems are not as big or insurmountable as what they initially seemed.

This last week for example, I went out to dinner, had brunch and had friends over for a meal. Myles had a play date and he enjoyed the experience just as much as I did. I have re-evaluated what is important to me and realised that people who live a quiet, homely life, like me, are more relatable and those that are adrenaline junkies or who are always legitimately busy, are not really people that I can relate to. I just don’t have anything to bring to that “table” and it is okay.

I have found a way to accept who and where I am, and I find myself feeling slightly more open to just “being” than what I was before. I don’t need, nor do I want, a busy calendar with lots of activities and travel. I like being at home, I like watching my series and sewing and creating and making my space a home. I enjoy talking over partying any day!Friends-Forever-Latest-Hindi-Dosti-Shayaris-1Now if I can just stop this “chasing” feeling inside. You know the one… where you have to be on the go and distract yourself from facing life and yourself, then I know I will have finally reached a place of peace. I have been working on that too. Talk therapy has been very good for me and finding someone who can listen, give advice and challenge me has simply been an investment worth making. We all go through difficult times, a lot of us have to face those alone, because we are alone. But nothing is impossible and learning from the experience brings growth and maturity. I’m probably about 9 years old now on the maturity scale!! lol. Finding help to get you through those times takes courage. You have to be brave to bare your soul.

I have also learned to recognise and acknowledge out loud when I am good to myself in an honoring way. Like when I put a healthy boundary in place or when I say no and don’t have to defend my stance. (No is a full sentence…!!) Like when I allow myself to cry from my soul and feel refreshed afterwards. Like when I let myself mourn something that I lost. I am by no means special, I don’t “do” it right according to the judgments of others but I “do” it authentically to me.

I am feeling so much better and even though I have some dips, I have learned that they don’t last very long now and I know what triggers them. So it is okay to unfriend someone on social media. I don’t need to see their life and feel like I am somehow not good enough to be a part of it anymore. It is okay to tell someone that I don’t feel right and that I am sad. The ones that really care and love me are just too happy to talk to me about it and include me in their lives anyway. They don’t tell me to cheer up and think of how much worse it could have been. They tell me that it is okay and that they are there for me, they remind me to be good to myself. Like when I reach out to others authentically and be myself (as scary as that may be) and find that they respond so positively to that. Like when I give myself permission to have a piggy day and don’t feel in the least bit guilty about it at all. Like when I mark something off of my goal list and know that I put it there to begin with, and I did the work to have it removed. Be-authenticI hope that you can learn to be good to yourself too. Not to be so busy that you don’t have the time or space to face yourself and the reality of what is going on in your life. It is not okay to be passive aggressive and the only real way you can stop doing that is to dispense of these ridiculous beliefs that we cannot be authentic in our interactions. You are allowed to have feelings, and to express them at the same time that you are being hurt. Not later and to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Give yourself the permission that you need and long for, in order to stand up for yourself and be authentic.

Love Chez


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